Holiday Melancholy
A small message to those with Holiday Grief
Happy Holidays Sketchbugs,
Instead of the usual post full of little doodles and artistic banter, I wanted this post to be for the people who have complicated feelings about this time of year.
Society tells us to feel cheery during Holiday Time; a time for merriment, feasting, and the good old gift giving. And for the record, it’s hard not to feel a sense of joy when seeing the Christmas lights everywhere dancing in the darkness of the winter night (I am Jewish btw). But for many of us, this time is one of grief, nostalgia and melancholy.
I lost my dad 5 years ago. 5 years ago, I couldn’t even acknowledge it without turning into a puddle. The first holiday without him was especially terrible. His absence was like a thick wound that kept bleeding into everything. My birthday is also around this time of year, so it was like a triple punch of Hanukkah, Birthday and New Years without him. Lighting the Hanukkah candles: I was crying. Blowing out birthday candles: I was crying. Watching the fireworks from home: I was crying. It was basically two weeks of straight agony while it felt like everyone around me was celebrating their holidays happily with all their loved ones alive and well.
You often hear that grief gets easier with time and in some sense this is true. 5 years later, I still cry for him, oftentimes with the same sadness as years past, but I can still get out of bed, I can talk about my childhood memories of him without sinking into the floor and I can look at other people’s parents without feeling scorn and jealousy. Another big difference is that I’m not ashamed of it, because with time I realized I was not alone in this end of the year grief. More often than not, everyone has lost someone who they wish they could spend their holidays with. And if not that, they might be mourning a relationship they wish they had with those still alive.
The pain of grief never leaves. It is love with no place to go. While it never stops, it can help us grow and connect with people in ways that other emotions cannot. I promise you, if you ask people in your life if they are grieving this time of year, they will answer yes. You are not alone. If you need a hug, I am giving you the biggest written hug I can muster. And if you want to talk about your grief, I bet there are people in your life who want to hear it: who want to provide a home for your homeless love. Similarly, if you want to help a friend or loved one who is grieving, ask them about the person they lost. 9/10 times I bet that person will remember that gesture of kindness for the rest of their life.
For those who have lost a loved one or multiple loved ones, I wish you a holiday full of warmth, good food, and some time to talk about those you are grieving. And for those of you who are grieving the absence of love currently and/or in times passed, I wish you a holiday full of warmth, good food, and people from your chosen family.
And if you want to, share your own ways you process the Holiday Melancholy in the comments. They might help someone reading.
BONUS CRY:
I had the pleasure to illustrate this Margo Rabb Op-Ed for the Washington Post, in which she describes how she honours her mom’s death by creating a holiday on her death day. Read it HERE
It’s a beautiful article that made me have a good, cathartic cry as I was drawing. I highly recommend it to anyone who has recently lost a parent.
“It is love with no place to go” 🥲 Thank you for writing and sharing this! *hug*